Monday, February 19, 2007

Got Milk?

So tonight my friends and I were looking at gallons of milk on, that's The reviews were quite interesting...let me share....

1. As a scientist, I approach the claim of Tuscan provenance of this gallon of whole milk with skepticism. But after extensive testing, including radiospectronomy, carbon-14 decay, and a double-blind study using thousands of subjects, I've concluded with almost complete certainty, that this milk is indeed Tuscan, most likely from the region around the town of Urbino. Whether you use Tuscan Whole Milk to boil up your own fresh mozzarella, or a nice cream reduction sauce, or simply pour it over the arched hemispherical rump of a hooker named LaQueesha for the lucky bachelor to lap up like a kitten, please know that Tuscan Whole Milk is 100% Tuscan. And you can believe me, because I'm Italian. And a scientist. We scientists do this kind of thing all the time. We don't have time for sex.

2. This is the goodest milk I've ever had! I'm buying all of my milk milk from the internet from now on! Forget the supermarket folks, online is the place to get your milk!

3. When I got my milk, I didn't know exactly what to expect. However, when I put that cold, white substance to my lips... ...Well, lets just say that I passed out to to the overwhelming almost-ninja-like greatness. It made me splash all the water out of the tub. My mom told me to stop.

4. This milk was so good, I passed out. When I woke up 3 weeks later, apes ruled the earth. It was crazy. DRINK THIS MILK!

5. This milk is so great. I gave some to my cat and after she slurped it up, she immediately started begging for more. When I said No kitty, she went crazy, climbed me like a tree, jumped in my hair and started trying to claw my eyes out. Luckily I was still able to see well enough through all the blood oozing down my face to stagger to the refrigerator, yank out the milk, and throw the container down hard enough to knock off the top. Milk gurgled all over the floor and Kitty forgot all about me! I slipped on the way to the bathroom and the sight of all that blood and milk swirling around me was really quite striking. I'll have to order some more one day.

I'm ordering tomorrow!!

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